Knowing How to Live with Genital Herpes Helps Put You In Charge

How to tell your partner

There is no right or wrong way to tell your partner.
But what you say and how you say it can make a difference. You may find the following helpful:           

  • Choose a quiet moment when you’re alone together to introduce the subject.
  • Be calm and be prepared to provide information your partner may want to know. It’s most likely he or she knows very little about genital herpes, so answer any questions honestly and correct any false beliefs your partner may have.
  • If it helps, you might want to have some printed material on hand to help you explain genital herpes and relieve any unnecessary concerns.
  • Above all, be positive. Your own self-assurance and confidence will help promote a positive response in return.

Think about what you want to say in advance.
Prepare for your discussion by thinking about how you’re going to tell your partner and what words to use that best express what you’re trying to say. You might consider the following approaches:

  • Try raising the subject by highlighting the strengths of your relationship (“I really enjoy being with you. And because I care about you, and our relationship, you need to know that I have genital herpes”).
  • Once you’ve told your partner, emphasize that your reason for telling them is that you don’t want to pass the virus on to them (“Someone gave me genital herpes and I don’t want to do the same to you”).
  • Convey confidence and a sense of control. It helps increase your partner’s comfort level and their own confidence in you (“I know about genital herpes because I live with it. I know how it’s passed on and I know what can be done to help reduce the risk of transmitting it to you”).
  • Encourage your partner to talk about genital herpes with you. Offer to share what you know, including printed materials and other sources of information (“I know people who helped me deal with having genital herpes. If you like, we can go together and meet with them, if it will help you feel more comfortable”).

If you’re still worried about telling your partner, talk to your doctor or contact the Sexual Health Centre or Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI) [?]. Clinic nearest you for more information and advice. It can help you be prepared with good answers to difficult questions.

After you’ve told your partner, then what?
You may hope for a supportive response but you may not always get one. Try to be flexible and patient. Remember, it took you time to adjust to having genital herpes and it will also take time for your partner to adjust to what you have said.

Telling your partner gets them to think about what they want from your relationship. If their expectations aren’t the same as yours, an open discussion about genital herpes may cause an early end to the relationship. Although that may not always be what you want, it may ultimately be what’s best for you. If, on the other hand, your partner is committed to the relationship and cares for you then genital herpes is unlikely to change that.

 

References

 
1. Clarke P. The Impact of a Herpes Diagnosis and the Implications for Patient Counseling. Clinical Management of Herpes Viruses,1995: 75-85. IOS Print, Washington, DC.

2. Whitley RJ, Kimberlin DW and Roizman B. Herpes Simplex Viruses. Clin Infect Dis 1998;26(3):541-553.

3. Sacks S. The Truth About Herpes. 4th Ed., 1997. Gordon Soules Book Publishing Ltd.

4. Kemeny ME, Cohen F, Zegans LS et al. Psychological and Immunological Predictors of Genital Herpes Recurrence. Psych Med 1989;51:195-208.

5. Aoki FY. Canadian Guidelines on Sexually Transmitted Infections 2006 Edition; Genital Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV) Infections. Public Health Agency of Canada http://phac-aspc.gc.ca/std-mts/sti_2006/pdf/sti2006_e.pdf. Accessed May 15, 2006.

6. Cuisini M and Ghislanzoni M.The importance of diagnosing genital herpes. J Antimicrob Chemo 2001;47(Topic T1):9-16.

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